Saturday, December 12, 2015

Odd Sights Lead to Bizarre Inventions.

Odd Sights Lead to Bizarre Inventions.

I have seen people do some really odd things. For instance, when the military sent me on an all expense paid trip to Montana I saw a lady crossing the street. Not that odd, except she was walking like the Earth was made out of sponges. Each step she took was delayed as she sank into the pretend sponge of the planet. She had a paper bag in one hand, and her face was stained with the red and blue paint she had been sniffing. Really sad.

After I returned from my all expense paid trip to Germany the military sent me on an all expense paid trip to Albuquerque, New Mexico. While there I witnessed another strange occurrence. A lady was falling down the street. Not falling down in the street, but hurtling down the street. It was as if gravity had shifted and now was horizontal. She bounced off of a light pole, then in a fit of flailing arms she almost saved herself by grabbing a trashcan. Sadly, she lost her grip and after careening off several people she slammed head first into a building. I'm thinking it was drugs.

None of these events had much meaning, however, yesterday I encountered a sight that gave me several ideas. So brace yourself.

As I was leaving MacDill, Air Force Base I saw what appeared to be two Clydesdale ponies. Each pony had a rope tied around it, and at the end of the rope there was a tire. I think the tire was a passenger car tire. As I drew closer I realized it was actually two fa...errr...robust women each with a tire tied to a rope around their waist. You just don't see that everyday. This gave me an idea.

Depending on who you talk to, we humans are doomed to burst into flames any minute because of global warming. Add to that the fact we disgusting humans are over populating the planet, which leads to fewer jobs, and all sorts of evils. The answer to all of that was right in front of me.

What if a farmer opened a weight loss center. He could hook people looking to lose weight to his farm equipment. Instead of paying them, he could charge them to pull his disks, and plows. Imagine, no carbon footprint..and skinny people. Win win.

We could take it a step further. At the state fair, instead of pony rides we could charge people looking to lose weight to give rides to little kids, and charge the kids. Win win.

But I'm not done. What if we hook giant generators to the bikes and rowing machines in gyms. We can charge people to use the gym and sell the power they generate. Win win.

Monday, September 21, 2015



Disclaimer* I am a conservative. I understand due to the polarizing effects of elections this will make someone mad. 

I want you to think back to the election of 2008.  Rep. Ron Paul was running for president.  His supporters were like rabid dogs.  They would post any and everything that supported their candidate. More often than not the information was misinformation.  This is not to say that Rep Paul supported these claims, but like a good politician he did nothing to correct the record.  Rep Paul was a shrewd politician. 

His followers would attack anyone that disparaged him.  Not just one at a time, but dozens.  They were like mosquitoes after a bleeder. More often than not they were paranoid.  

Welcome to FrankenTrump.  Does Trump say things that do not have truth?  Of course not.  No more than anyone else.  He knows that.  But what he says is not the issue.  The issue is what he is not saying.

His catch phrases, I will make America so great you will not believe it, I will make you proud again, I will stop illegal immigration, I will make the economy so strong, or everyone that stands against me is an idiot.  That last one is a personal favorite.

What makes Donald FrankenTrump any different from the kid in high school running for class president?  Nothing.  FrankenTrump offers no insight into how he will do anything.  Granted he has said he will build a wall, but then what?  Crickets for FrankenTrump. 

Who are FrankenTrump's advisors?  What is his national defense strategy?  What is his strategy for rebuilding a seriously damaged economy?  What is his strategy for the future of the nation?  Who knows?  FrankenTrump is certainly not talking about that.

FrankenTrump 2016....a dead end for America.

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Are You Smarter Than a Cheese Grater?

Are You Smarter Than a Cheese Grater?

I was channel surfing early this evening when I came across a show I had not watched in a long time.  "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?"  The host is upbeat.  The Contestants are upbeat.  The Fifth Graders are upbeat.  I hate it.

First of all, the Fifth Graders remind me of the cast members of Barney.  Remember him?  That purple dancing dinosaur prancing around singing songs and being followed by a bunch of dancing overacting kids.  I remember when I was a Fifth Grader, the only song we danced to was the hokey pokey, and most of us hated that one. 

With the exception of one kid, who when he forgot to take his meds, zipped around like a super ball.  Most of us did not go dancing around with stupid grins plastered on our face singing to purple dinosaurs.  I remember that kid who forgot his meds, on the days he remembered his meds he normally sat in the corner, drooling out of the side of his mouth, and babbling something about ketchup.  Good kid, liked ketchup.

This particular episode featured a college professor and her fifth grade partner,"Missy".  I changed the name.  Missy, according to her profile was an expert at science, math, and history.  She was also a straight A student.  Missy was either needing to take a trip to the bathroom, or she forgot her meds.  She was hopping around.  The host asks, "Michelle's mother sends her to the store for 3 gallons of ice cream. The store only has 1 pint containers of ice cream.  How many containers of ice cream will Michelle need to buy?"

The college professor was stumped.  As part of the game she could peek at Missy's answer.  Missy was all sorts of energetic and had written her answer down quickly.  With the happy smug look of a dinosaur dancer she had written down 48. I was totally in awe.  Not only was I smarter than a fifth grader, but I was also smarter than a college professor.  

2 pints in a quart, four quarts in a gallon...that is 8 pints in a gallon times 3 gallons is 24 pints.  Apparently the straight A student was being graded on a curve of some sort, or she had gotten hold of one of those crazy common core math books. 

That's when it hit me.  This show is not about how smart a fifth grader is, but how stupid adults can be. Like most game shows the contestants are rewarded for getting the right answer, there is no penalty for being wrong. That's when the idea hit me for a different version of the show.

"Are You Smarter Than a Cheese Grater?"  In this show if an adult answers incorrectly, the kid gets to run the adult's nose through a cheese grater.  If the kid gets the answer wrong, the adult gets to run the kid's nose through a cheese grater.  

I realize this may be a tad violent for broadcast TV, but I'm thinking Spike would pick it up.  It could make billions on the home version of the game. With Obamacare covering all sorts of conditions it would keep the emergency rooms hopping. 

Given the support for the killing of babies, how could anyone complain about a little grated nose?  Well my fries are ready, and I need some ketchup.