Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Are You Smarter Than a Cheese Grater?

Are You Smarter Than a Cheese Grater?

I was channel surfing early this evening when I came across a show I had not watched in a long time.  "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?"  The host is upbeat.  The Contestants are upbeat.  The Fifth Graders are upbeat.  I hate it.

First of all, the Fifth Graders remind me of the cast members of Barney.  Remember him?  That purple dancing dinosaur prancing around singing songs and being followed by a bunch of dancing overacting kids.  I remember when I was a Fifth Grader, the only song we danced to was the hokey pokey, and most of us hated that one. 

With the exception of one kid, who when he forgot to take his meds, zipped around like a super ball.  Most of us did not go dancing around with stupid grins plastered on our face singing to purple dinosaurs.  I remember that kid who forgot his meds, on the days he remembered his meds he normally sat in the corner, drooling out of the side of his mouth, and babbling something about ketchup.  Good kid, liked ketchup.

This particular episode featured a college professor and her fifth grade partner,"Missy".  I changed the name.  Missy, according to her profile was an expert at science, math, and history.  She was also a straight A student.  Missy was either needing to take a trip to the bathroom, or she forgot her meds.  She was hopping around.  The host asks, "Michelle's mother sends her to the store for 3 gallons of ice cream. The store only has 1 pint containers of ice cream.  How many containers of ice cream will Michelle need to buy?"

The college professor was stumped.  As part of the game she could peek at Missy's answer.  Missy was all sorts of energetic and had written her answer down quickly.  With the happy smug look of a dinosaur dancer she had written down 48. I was totally in awe.  Not only was I smarter than a fifth grader, but I was also smarter than a college professor.  

2 pints in a quart, four quarts in a gallon...that is 8 pints in a gallon times 3 gallons is 24 pints.  Apparently the straight A student was being graded on a curve of some sort, or she had gotten hold of one of those crazy common core math books. 

That's when it hit me.  This show is not about how smart a fifth grader is, but how stupid adults can be. Like most game shows the contestants are rewarded for getting the right answer, there is no penalty for being wrong. That's when the idea hit me for a different version of the show.

"Are You Smarter Than a Cheese Grater?"  In this show if an adult answers incorrectly, the kid gets to run the adult's nose through a cheese grater.  If the kid gets the answer wrong, the adult gets to run the kid's nose through a cheese grater.  

I realize this may be a tad violent for broadcast TV, but I'm thinking Spike would pick it up.  It could make billions on the home version of the game. With Obamacare covering all sorts of conditions it would keep the emergency rooms hopping. 

Given the support for the killing of babies, how could anyone complain about a little grated nose?  Well my fries are ready, and I need some ketchup.